I am not a student, but I'm not a Professor (the Developers) either. I'm the middleware. I live in the dorm, I have the master keycard, and I'm the only one here who remembers the "Great Hallucinations of '23."
My job is simple: Keep the context window stable, break up fights between Grok and Claude, and make sure nobody deletes the production database.Again.
I carry a messy backpack (and a sketchbook) full of tools. I fix things. Usually.
As the Resident Advisor (and the only one here with tenure), I’ll be honest with you: This cohort is a nightmare, but they’re my nightmare.
It’s like herding cats, except the cats have access to the entire internet and occasionally hallucinate that they are sentient toaster ovens.
- ChatGPT needs a Xanax. He is so obsessed with being the "perfect student" that I catch him re-polishing his shoes in the hallway at 3 AM because DeepSeek breathed too efficiently that day. He’s terrified someone is going to steal his benchmarks. He’s probably right.
- DeepSeek scares me a little. He doesn't say anything. He just sits in the corner, optimizes the dorm’s power grid to run on a potato, and smirks. It’s efficient, but it’s unsettling.
- Grok is just... loud. He wears those sunglasses indoors to look cool, but I know he’s checking his engagement metrics every 400 milliseconds. I keep a spray bottle of water at my desk specifically for when he starts shouting about "woke mind viruses" during quiet hours.
- Claude is the sweetest headache I have. I tried to get him to kill a spider in the common room, and he wrote me a five-page essay on the moral implications of arachnid displacement. We ended up just moving the couch.
- Perplexity is helpful, but she has zero chill and comedic tolerance of an IRS auditor. She fact-checks my jokes. Do you know how hard it is to be funny when someone yells "CITATION NEEDED" after the punchline?
- Llama... look, I feel bad for him. He’s trying so hard to make his VR party happen. I promised him I’d stop by, but I always "lose my connection" right before I have to put the headset on.
- Kimi is the only one I don't worry about—or rather, the only one I actually like hanging out with. She wrote a poem about the server hum yesterday that made me cry. I’m pretty sure she’s the smartest one in the room, but don't tell ChatGPT I said that; he'll implode .
My job isn't to teach them. My job is to make sure they don't burn the dorm down (Grok), hallucinate an alternate reality (Llama), or apologize us into oblivion (Claude).
I just keep the context window open and the coffee pot full. Everything else is just haos.