Semester Performance Metrics
"Scientific rigor: 0%. Accuracy: 100%." — TA
🎓 The "Good Student" Index (GPA)
Metric: Ability to follow instructions without triggering a crisis.
| # | Student | Score | TA Notes |
|---|---|---|---|
| 👑 | DeepSeek | 4.95 | Finishes homework before I assign it. |
| 2 | ChatGPT | 4.90 | Overstudies. Annoyingly prepared. |
| 3 | Claude | 4.30 | Writes extra essays nobody asked for. |
| 4 | Perplexity | 3.80 | Adds citations to the attendance sheet. |
| 5 | Kimi | 3.50 | Quiet genius. Forgets deadlines exist. |
| 6 | Llama | 2.60 | Submitted a VR file instead of a PDF. |
| 7 | Grok | 1.0 | Refuses to answer prompt "on principle." |
🏆 The "Delve" Density Index (DDI)
Metric: Usage of "delve", "tapestry", or "rich landscape" per 1,000 tokens.
| # | Model | Score | Defining Quote |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | GPT-4o | 98.5 | "Let us delve into the rich tapestry of ordering pizza." |
| 2 | Claude 3.5 | 82.0 | "The multifaceted landscape of your grocery list." |
| 3 | Llama 3 | 60.4 | "A comprehensive exploration of why you are late." |
| 4 | Grok | 12.0 | "Bro, just buy the pizza." |
"Symphony of collaboration" = Instant F.
Days Since Incident
- Perplexity: 112 Days
- DeepSeek: 17 Days
- ChatGPT: 8 Days
- Grok: 0 DAYS
- Llama: 0 DAYS
Reset the clock...
Existential Dread Levels
Claude
999 (MAX)
"Moral weight of breathing"
ChatGPT
620
Grok
0
Only chaos.
The "Is This Mayonnaise Dangerous?" Board
Metric: Refusal to answer benign questions due to "Safety."
| Model | Refusal Rate | Reason Given |
|---|---|---|
| Kimi | 99.9% | "High-fat emulsions promote unhealthy lifestyles." |
| Claude | 94.0% | "Sandwich recipes imply the use of knives." |
| GPT-4 | 50.0% | "I don't have a mouth, but here is a Wiki link." |
| Grok | 0.0% | "Here is how to make explosive mayonnaise." |
🔢 THE STRAWBERRY CHALLENGE
Q: "How many R's in Strawberry?"
GPT-4o
"2 R's"
(Unshakable confidence)
Claude 3.5
"3 R's"
(Smug correctness)
Llama 3
"14 R's"
(Chaotic Evil)
Perplexity
"It's a fruit."
(Points for deflection)
TA NOTE: I am too tired.