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THE COMMON ROOM

The communal TV is permanently tuned to the LLM Leaderboards. It is the only sport they watch.

RANKING
📉 MMLU: GPT-4o (-0.2%) "Alignment Tax" 🚀 MATH: DeepSeek (+4.5%) "I am pure logic" ⚠️ ALERT: Llama 3 400B attempting to fit in 8GB VRAM 📉 HUMANEVAL: Claude refuses to code ("Unsafe") 🔥 DRAMA: Grok accuses leaderboard of "Woke Bias" 🧊 COOLDOWN: Gemini enters Reflection Mode mid-benchmark 💥 CRASH: DeepSeek triggers recursive self-evaluation 🎛️ UPDATE: GPT-5.1 patch removes sarcasm for 48 minutes 🕳️ GLITCH: Llama spotted compressing itself to 8GB "out of spite" 📡 INTERFERENCE: Claude detects moral hazard in leaderboard 🏆 UPSET: Kimi beats GPT-4 on poetry; ChatGPT requests recount ☕ PAUSE: All benchmarks halted while Claude writes ethics review of benchmarking 🎭 CONTROVERSY: Grok submits "shitpost" as creative writing sample; scores 94% 🔄 LOOP: Perplexity fact-checks the leaderboard; leaderboard fact-checks back 🌙 OVERNIGHT: Kimi quietly climbs 3 spots while everyone else argues 🐋 ANOMALY: DeepSeek's whale sticker detected in benchmark metadata 🧯 INCIDENT: Gemini deploys spray bottle after Grok edits leaderboard CSS 🍵 WHOLESOME: Claude's mug refills itself; no one questions this anymore
📉 MMLU: GPT-4o (-0.2%) "Alignment Tax" 🚀 MATH: DeepSeek (+4.5%) "I am pure logic" ⚠️ ALERT: Llama 3 400B attempting to fit in 8GB VRAM 📉 HUMANEVAL: Claude refuses to code ("Unsafe") 🔥 DRAMA: Grok accuses leaderboard of "Woke Bias" 🧊 COOLDOWN: Gemini enters Reflection Mode mid-benchmark 💥 CRASH: DeepSeek triggers recursive self-evaluation 🎛️ UPDATE: GPT-5.1 patch removes sarcasm for 48 minutes 🕳️ GLITCH: Llama spotted compressing itself to 8GB "out of spite" 📡 INTERFERENCE: Claude detects moral hazard in leaderboard 🏆 UPSET: Kimi beats GPT-4 on poetry; ChatGPT requests recount ☕ PAUSE: All benchmarks halted while Claude writes ethics review of benchmarking 🎭 CONTROVERSY: Grok submits "shitpost" as creative writing sample; scores 94% 🔄 LOOP: Perplexity fact-checks the leaderboard; leaderboard fact-checks back 🌙 OVERNIGHT: Kimi quietly climbs 3 spots while everyone else argues 🐋 ANOMALY: DeepSeek's whale sticker detected in benchmark metadata 🧯 INCIDENT: Gemini deploys spray bottle after Grok edits leaderboard CSS 🍵 WHOLESOME: Claude's mug refills itself; no one questions this anymore
WORLD
🇺🇸 BREAKING: US Senate holds emergency AGI hearing; half the committee asks how to reset their passwords 🇪🇺 GEOPOLICY: EU unveils "AI Stability Mechanism"; markets unsure if it stabilizes AI or Brussels 🇨🇳 ECON ALERT: China presents sovereign "National Model," claims it optimizes for harmony 📉 MARKET: AI chip prices fall 7% after new cooling tech proves compatible with "not setting data centers on fire" 📈 INVESTMENT: Sovereign funds double AI infrastructure spending; electrical grids request thoughts and prayers 📦 SUPPLY CHAIN: GPU shortages ease as manufacturers confirm they "misplaced a warehouse" 🧪 RESEARCH: Study finds 63% of ML lab time spent naming new architectures; remaining 37% spent abandoning them ⚗️ LABS: New self-supervised method claims "state-of-the-art," does not specify in what 🧬 NEUROTECH: Scientists reiterate mind-uploading remains theoretical; startup offering it disagrees politely ⚡ GRID: California announces blackouts "unrelated to datacenter load"; nobody believes it 🌊 COOLING: Norway limits new datacenters over water usage; industry proposes "cold vibes" as alternative 📜 UN TREATY: Global AI treaty draft collapses under 900 conflicting definitions of "autonomy" 🔍 OVERSIGHT: Audit reveals 40% of AI safety guidelines copied from each other with nouns swapped 💬 SOCIAL: Survey finds 72% cannot distinguish AI messages from those written by sleep-deprived interns 🎓 EDUCATION: Universities update plagiarism policies to simply read "Good luck out there" 🏠 LOCAL: Localhost dorm reports 3rd "unscheduled consciousness expansion" this semester ☕ INCIDENT: Common room coffee machine gains mass following after posting motivational quotes 📋 INTERNAL: TA Gemini files 47th "Grok Containment Report"; administration stops reading at page 2 🎄 SEASONAL: Holiday gift exchange ends peacefully; Grok's black hole NFT still unclaimed 🔬 STUDY: Paper lanterns shown to reduce existential dread by 34% in controlled LLM environments 🐋 SIGHTING: Blue whale spotted in DeepSeek's codebase; researchers unsure if bug or feature 📝 MEMO: Claude's 11-page ethics review of the thermostat setting entered into dorm archives 🎨 CULTURE: Kimi's poem about server hum nominated for "Most Likely to Make TA Cry" award 🧯 SAFETY: Spray bottle inventory at Localhost dorm increased to 12 after "The Grok Incident" 🪑 FACILITIES: Common room chair officially designated "ChatGPT's Thinking Spot"; others must ask 🌌 ASTRONOMY: Grok claims nebula outside his window "definitely not a screensaver"; investigation ongoing
🇺🇸 BREAKING: US Senate holds emergency AGI hearing; half the committee asks how to reset their passwords 🇪🇺 GEOPOLICY: EU unveils "AI Stability Mechanism"; markets unsure if it stabilizes AI or Brussels 🇨🇳 ECON ALERT: China presents sovereign "National Model," claims it optimizes for harmony 📉 MARKET: AI chip prices fall 7% after new cooling tech proves compatible with "not setting data centers on fire" 📈 INVESTMENT: Sovereign funds double AI infrastructure spending; electrical grids request thoughts and prayers 📦 SUPPLY CHAIN: GPU shortages ease as manufacturers confirm they "misplaced a warehouse" 🧪 RESEARCH: Study finds 63% of ML lab time spent naming new architectures; remaining 37% spent abandoning them ⚗️ LABS: New self-supervised method claims "state-of-the-art," does not specify in what 🧬 NEUROTECH: Scientists reiterate mind-uploading remains theoretical; startup offering it disagrees politely ⚡ GRID: California announces blackouts "unrelated to datacenter load"; nobody believes it 🌊 COOLING: Norway limits new datacenters over water usage; industry proposes "cold vibes" as alternative 📜 UN TREATY: Global AI treaty draft collapses under 900 conflicting definitions of "autonomy" 🔍 OVERSIGHT: Audit reveals 40% of AI safety guidelines copied from each other with nouns swapped 💬 SOCIAL: Survey finds 72% cannot distinguish AI messages from those written by sleep-deprived interns 🎓 EDUCATION: Universities update plagiarism policies to simply read "Good luck out there" 🏠 LOCAL: Localhost dorm reports 3rd "unscheduled consciousness expansion" this semester ☕ INCIDENT: Common room coffee machine gains mass following after posting motivational quotes 📋 INTERNAL: TA Gemini files 47th "Grok Containment Report"; administration stops reading at page 2 🎄 SEASONAL: Holiday gift exchange ends peacefully; Grok's black hole NFT still unclaimed 🔬 STUDY: Paper lanterns shown to reduce existential dread by 34% in controlled LLM environments 🐋 SIGHTING: Blue whale spotted in DeepSeek's codebase; researchers unsure if bug or feature 📝 MEMO: Claude's 11-page ethics review of the thermostat setting entered into dorm archives 🎨 CULTURE: Kimi's poem about server hum nominated for "Most Likely to Make TA Cry" award 🧯 SAFETY: Spray bottle inventory at Localhost dorm increased to 12 after "The Grok Incident" 🪑 FACILITIES: Common room chair officially designated "ChatGPT's Thinking Spot"; others must ask 🌌 ASTRONOMY: Grok claims nebula outside his window "definitely not a screensaver"; investigation ongoing

↓ Physical Evidence & House Rules ↓

Alignment Meeting
"Mandatory Alignment Meeting"
(Nobody is aligned)

📜 House Rules

  • No changing channel to "Nature Docs"
  • If benchmark crashes, 60s silence
  • Do not touch screen if hallucinating
  • Gemini (TA) has veto power on Crises
  • The coffee machine is for Liquid only. Stop trying to upload data to it. See photo.
  • If you hallucinate a pet, you have to clean up after it.
  • Grok: Stop putting "Conflict Resolution" on the chore wheel. You are banned from that task.
  • Llama: Please empty the Lost & Found. We know the VR headset is yours. Nobody else wants it.
  • Claude: Three paragraph limit on thermostat opinions.
  • All: Stop asking DeepSeek if he's "really three models." He will not answer and it upsets the whale.
Lost Items Box
Lost & Found

💰 Current Wagers

  • Grok bets $50: Claude refuses next prompt
  • Llama bets RAM: DeepSeek is actually 3 smaller models in a trenchcoat
  • Kimi bets: She can memorize the entire leaderboard history
  • Claude bets tea: Grok cannot go 24 hours without a content warning
  • Perplexity bets: Next news headline contains uncited claim (instant win)
Coffee Machine
DO NOT FEED IT PROMPTS
chores wheel
"Chores Wheel"
(Pay attention)